Honestly, Mary

Honestly, Mary ...

To tell the story of the name change, you will have to travel back with me, to another story... Long ago, but not too long because it was about a month ago. Talking to ___I had this question burning inside me. It was one of those questions where you REALLY want to know the answer but you're not REALLY sure you should. One of those questions where it could go really TF right, and it could also go really TF wrong! Talking about a gamble! 50/50 chance... Well, here I go, asking this risky a$$ question... and after the awkard silence, ___ says,

"Honestly, Mary"

Without even listening further, I just froze, from the beginning sounds of that, I assumed my answer wasn't a good one. I think I froze to brace myself, and when I did start back to listening, what I assumed was correct, this wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. Well, like the song you can't stand, that line got stuck in my head. It was actually the title of my journal entry that night! LOL. In the middle of getting my blog together, I read that journal entry again because what I wrote about was still relevant (i hope i'm not the only one to do that). I don't know if it was the words that just sunk in deepr, or the sound of Russ playing while I got my nightly medicine, that I said, inside & outloud, Honestly, Mary... that's just what and who I need to be,with myself and with the people I am trying to share myself with! I know me, I know the battles I face, externally and internally and I'm not afraid to acknowledge them. But I don't want to come accross on here as if I have it all figured out, I don't! I just want to use this platform to be my most honest self. Even in just these few moments of realizing I was holding back my honesty, I thought about things that I was trying to hide from myself. Things that I turned the other cheek on. I hadn't been very honest with myself, ignoring signs on purpose just to feel better right then. To not have to deal with it. What I DID do, was actually grab onto ____ words without seeing the actions. I have always been a believer that actions speak louder than words, but there are some people and some moments that I have allowed (or allow) to give me great sounding words in the place of good actions. But I couldn't hold on those words long, words without actions are nothing. Words are great place fillers! They feel good when they're right there, doing the things they need to do, but they eventually expire. WORDS DO EXPIRE. That's why is overly important to have actions! Actions are proof that the words you said mean something.

Well, through that pain, came my new name, and HELLA ideas for blog post! Shoutout to ___. :-)

My hope through this blog is that other girls.ladies.women. know that they're not alone. In the way they feel, in the shit they do... I'm here sis, living the same shit, different day! But, it can't and won't last. I get you sis, & I got you sis!

*M