My words spoken (pt.1)

Hello, hello hello! It’s been TOO long since I’ve posted here. Lack of time and motivation delayed me in doing so. I fell back into this place of survival. When things become too much for me to bare, I retreat to my own space. To my thoughts, to my family, to just allowing the few people in that I do. I’m working on coping in better ways, but until then, “if it’s not broke, don’t break it”. So! I am back now, kind of! 😬 lol I’m working my way to coming back fully one step at a time. This first step is me sharing a piece I wrote. I’ve been back to writing more poems because that’s one of the better ways I express myself. So this is something I do for me to release some of what I’m feeling. Now, this may not be my current situation! (Or is it?! 🤔🤷🏽‍♀️) Lol BUT! It’s my real life at some point. Maybe you can relate, maybe you hadn’t felt this before. But either way, I thank you for coming here & for reading this long, lol so here it is. I’ll post another piece next week... be safe and blessed until then. ✌🏽 Relapsed 20.0 Today I relapsed Fell back into an old habit, the same sadness. But it felt good, At the time, it felt right I thought I was doing the right thing, Until the right thing started to hurt like last time Here I go again, pulling myself up by my huarache straps I let you play me once again, Pretending to be a friend Saying all the right things for me to fall back in I thought I could handle it I thought I was in control Silly me I relapsed, big time For the 5th time Or the 12th Time, I lost count after the last time This time, is a different time I’m tired now, Going to retire now, From whatever we’ve been for the last 4 years Going to stand on my own and move forward after wiping my tears Going to let it go, one step at a time Going to stop craving you, because I see you aren’t mine I don’t want this, or you Not anymore, I’m big thru You spoke some good words, but most of them weren’t true They felt good when you said them, The ones you wrote I re-read them, Smiling, holding on to what could be But here I am, no you, just me So thank you, for being you, For showing yourself a million times Thank you for the patience, while I decoded your lies Thanks for the lessons, the talks and the feels You’ve made me a better me, From this set back, I’ll heal Didn’t see it coming to this, Should’ve covered my heart and not my eyes, But like the Phoenix from the ashes, From this too, I’ll rise Honestly, MARY